Like a lot of damaging behaviours, you often don’t realise you’re doing something till the consequences start showing up on your doorstep, causing you a headache. I have felt frazzled and overstretched for a few months and have struggled to understand why. I’m no busier than normal, client-wise, but I’ve felt more encumbered than ever for some reason.
When reflecting on this feeling, I’ve noticed a pattern of me bending to suit the needs and wants of others, only for it to make very little difference in the long run, as well as saying yes to things I want to say no to, to avoid seeming “difficult” or “ungrateful” for the opportunity.
People pleasing is something so many of us are susceptible to. I won’t say “guilty of” because, let’s face it, our disposition usually means we don’t need anything else to feel guilty about. It’s a compromise in someone else’s favour, which is nice every once in a while if the circumstances warrant it, but not every damn day at our own expense.
I notice people pleasing in my life overall, but particularly in my work, a trait that has increased significantly since I became a parent.
I only realised it recently after a couple of instances of poor timing and bad luck and felt exasperated with myself, like “How has this happened? I did everything I could!”, whilst failing to acknowledge for well over a year I’d been bending to suit the needs of others over my own, for fear of not seeming “good value” and thus, losing business.
Well, reader, I hate to tell you, I bent so far I almost broke, and lost clients anyway.
It got me wondering why I’ve been pushing aside my boundaries to appease others. And why I’ve felt more inclined to do this since becoming a parent. Almost as if something inside me is telling me I should feel lucky anyone wanted to work with me whatsoever after I took time off to have a baby.
The fact is, not long after our son was born and I was back to work, I was hit with a succession of significant client losses.
It was nothing I’d done - “just a business decision” - however, the wording in these contract terminations was questionable at best, and tantamount to discrimination at worst. But here’s the rub when you’re self-employed: there’s no HR department to advocate for you. There’s no tribunal you can go to for lost business on account of your reproductive decisions. You’re on your own.
So, next time, you twist and bend for others, making allowances and sending scope creep through the ceiling, because you’re lucky to still have clients at all. Right?
The thing I’ve realised recently is that it often doesn’t matter how much you give over and above what’s contractually expected of you. Certain people will always want more, and nothing you can do will ever be enough. So why compromise your values, integrity and boundaries when you know it’s not really what you want?
This isn’t some Neggy Nora rant where I tell you that going above and beyond for people is stupid and you shouldn’t do it, because that’s not the point here. There’s a key distinction: people pleasing is when you agree to something and it feels like it directly opposes what you truly feel, need or want.
If you want to go above and beyond for others, fill your boots, it’s just when it begins to feel icky and unbalanced that you’re in dangerous territory, especially if you keep nodding along and sacrificing your own needs and wants.
Nodding along is exactly what I’ve been doing in a lot of instances, and I’m beginning to take steps to break the cycle. It’s often harder than expected because my default setting is to yield to others first, looking after my own needs much further down the line, if at all.
Good Girl Gone Bad
I'm not saying this is a female-specific problem, because I know many men who also suffer from bouts of people-pleasing. I don't know what it is. It could be a British thing, since a lot of us can be more concerned about seeming polite than anything else, or dare I say it, it could be a millennial thing (but that's a whole other post for another day).
That said, I recently discovered a phenomenon called Good Girl Conditioning that has been gaining momentum in recent years, and it sounds a heck of a lot like the foundations of being a grown-up people pleaser who stifles their own needs, wants and happiness without a second thought.
In an Instagram thread by Dr. Nicole LePera, Good Girl Conditioning is described as:
Good Girl Conditioning has us believe our role is to get other people to like or approve of us in social settings, to not “rock the boat" or ever upset anyone, and to betray our own needs in order to appear selfless.
Good girls are conditioned to believe they're responsible for other adult’s emotions and that they can never disappoint or upset anyone around them. In reality, adults are not responsible for managing the emotions of other adults.
Good girl conditioning is messaging we receive in childhood to be agreeable, polite, and nice. Young girls who take on these traits are rewarded in families and within society. They're often seen as “mature for their age.” Their worth comes from sacrificing their own needs to tend to the needs of others. Being a “good” girl comes with a high price though because we aren't able to: say we're uncomfortable, set a boundary, or express how we truly feel.
The messaging is clear: external appearance is more important than internal feelings.
Good girls don't learn relational skills like voicing their needs, placing boundaries, or conflict resolution. It's best to be polite, stay quiet, please others, hide our feelings, and never to be rude.
Sound familiar?
I can relate to so much of this, and know many of my friends and peers can, too.
If you’re not sure if you’re a conditioned Good Girl too, Michelle Minnikin, a Newcastle-based Chartered Psychologist, Coach, Author and Business Owner is making “Good Girl Deprogramming” her mission, and has a quiz on her website so you can find out for sure if it’s part of your experience.
I scored 44% overall, which suggests I’m “in the process of navigating and questioning the Good Girl conditioning that has influenced my life” and that’s most certainly accurate. I score fairly low to average for a lot of the criteria, but there are a few anomalies where I’m a certified Good Girl, namely Strategic Exhaustion (experiencing mental and physical exhaustion due to an unequal distribution of labour and societal expectations placed upon women) and Ever-Shifting Requirements (feeling pressure to conform to rigid gender roles and societal norms). Seeing the scores and explanations so clearly makes for a compelling, action-inducing read, so I urge others to take the quiz and find out more themselves.
In her book of the same name, Michelle delves into the subtle methods through which women and girls are pressured into adhering to a limited range of behaviours and mindsets and proposes methods for freedom from these limitations.
With a blend of personal anecdotes and research, her book presents a new angle on the widespread impact of coercive influence on the female experience. It also provides actionable techniques for seizing back control, uncovering authentic identity, and embracing the unconventional aspects of oneself. It’s something I’m working on and now that I’ve started to see the various ways in which this conditioning impacts my life, I can’t unsee it and do nothing about it.
Long-time readers of this newsletter will know that it was previously called ‘Rebels Get Results’ and that’s very much a fundamental principle of Good Girl Deprogramming: saying “enough” to the little boxes we’ve been put in and embracing our inner rebel to carve a path we’re content and comfortable with.
In Recovery
Taming my tendency to people please is a work in progress and probably always will be. But I’m committed, I’m reading various perspectives and advice, listening to podcasts/audiobooks and talking more about it to those around me who ‘get it’. The same goes for my Good Girl Conditioning.
I’m also investing in new processes, positioning and fundamental shifts in my business offering, through the help of a strategist, which will reposition my services and set my stall out very clearly so there’s little room for debate. After 6 years as an independent consultant, I’ve decided it’s time to switch things up a bit and make things work better for me.
I want to work smarter, not harder, and I’m not prepared to sacrifice my needs or those of my family anymore.
I don’t need to feel “lucky” or guilty, because I’ve worked in my sector for almost 15 years and that brings with it a heap of expertise, experience and value. If a client pulls the plug because I’ve enforced boundaries, they’re not the right fit, and that’s ok. All of these realisations are becoming part of my daily awareness and minimising the fear I have of letting someone down or seeming anything other than agreeable and amenable. I’m not going around acting like a total knob, but equally, I’m also not putting my “stuff” on the back burner and doing things to simply appease others.
Life’s too short and nobody knows what’s around the corner, so acting with your own best interests at heart and with integrity in your decision-making is the only logical thing to do, don’t you agree?
A few things I’m enjoying:
Just wanted to round up this newsletter with some bits and bobs I’ve been watching/reading/listening to lately, which I haven’t done in a while, but hey ho:
🎧 Straight Up (Podcast): Journalists Ellie and Kathleen are filling the shoes of The High Low for me with their insightful and fast-paced pop culture podcast.
📖 As Young As This by Roxy Dunn: I am FLYING through this book, where the novel’s protagonist Margot tells the story of her life to date through the romantic dalliances and relationships she’s experienced over the years. Nostalgic and addictive.
📺 “Josh Must Win (now on All4): A reality show with a twist. I found it SO funny, refreshing and an easy watch when dealing with a whole load of stuff IRL.
👩💻 Personal plug: I was recently interviewed by Prolific North for their ‘How I Became’ feature which was a privilege. Read it here.
Until next time, whenever that may be!
Lauren x
PS when I get my whole podcast shizz together, would love to have a convo with you about all this on it x
I just did the quiz and got 29% - I am a 'rebel woman' - nice ;) I think people actually treat you better when you stop the people pleasing - that and you just feel better about yourself anyway for not taking shit from tossers etc.